My writings have typically consisted of a happy-go-lucky personality. An optimistic approach to the dark days and an even brighter persona for the good ones. Strolling through life with a smile and not a care in the world, and yes, I still stand behind this. However, the world has an odd way of balancing itself out. Seems like when you've just peaked and you feel like you've conquered all you set out to do, it's then that the high of success seems to fade, leaving you falling like a rock. Plummeting with no parachute, your stroll with a smile entangled by your own mixed emotions leaving you breathless and empty. As much as you fight to keep that glow on your face, suppressing that anger and sadness only makes that falling sensation grow. A panicked sense of helplessness that no one can pull you back from. For here, in your psyche, there are no safety ladders or life buoys to hoist you back from darkness. No trapeze nets to catch you on your way down.
Look into the mirror and tell me what you see. A man once looked into the mirror, and he was horrified by his shape staring him down. Knowing the things that person has said, and the people he has hurt with his words makes him sick. He cringes as he reflects on the things that he's done wrong: the lies, the secrets, the gossiping. An image in his own mind that putting others down, or lying to protect those he cares about would eventually bring him this grand gesture of happiness. He shakes this feeling, further suppressing his guilt and he smiles. Isn't that what we all want? To be able to wake up, step into the bathroom, and stare at ourselves in the mirror with a smile. Oh yes, this was his dream too, but his smile did not reflect the image he had strived for. His smile was never sadistic or vicious mind you, but an empty one, cold and without meaning. The only real thing staring back at him, on what used to be an otherwise flawless beam of pearly whites, is the discoloration stained onto his teeth from the number of cigarettes he has smoked as a last hope for some stress relief. The smile is nothing more than a facade to the otherwise unimpressive and morose being that has grown inside of him for so long. A weed that has manifested into overtaking the entire yard and he's unsure he can eradicate it at this point. Where does he even dare to begin?
So he tried identifying the problems and took into account the things that needed improving. This only worked for so long, because the frustration of not being able to change that reflection, that he stared at every day, grew deeper and hurt more each time. Instead of fighting anymore with fear of failure, he gave up. Lost himself in the extracurriculars that the dark-side had to offer. He reveled in his new found "paradise". He made the rules and had no one to answer to but himself, the one person that could care less. Relationships formed, relationships lost, did he care? Not a chance. Who needed feelings and love when the absence of it brought this euphoria of never being disappointed? Never having your heart broken like it had been so many times before. His soul was scarred by the number of trials and errors, and this new "paradise" put that soul in a black box. Who would want to remember the past and deal with that pressure, when this paradise was so carefree and emotionless?
He stumbled upon that box one day after years of it being hidden, collecting dust, and curiosity overcame him. His vacation in this paradise had been "wonderful", but it was starting to lose its luster; its shine, tarnished and couldn't be buffed out. So, taking the box in his hands he pried it open and the memories of those days flooded in. It was in this moment that he looked into the mirror, and for the first time in a long time he saw himself truly. A stud with no direction, a heart without a pulse. His eyes gazed back into themselves.
He remembered that stroll he once had; that smile that presented itself so effortlessly. Everything used to come so naturally, but he realized that it was himself that had changed. He was the one who decided to retreat into this darkness and now, it was time to stroll back into the light. He knew it wouldn't be easy, but he had to start somewhere. From there he began his ascent back to the place where he used to be. To one day be able to look in the mirror and smile at the man that was smiling back at him.
It Gets Better...I promise. Step by step we all eventually end up where we want to be. Keep walking and see for yourself.
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